I Like When You Stare At Me…

This one is kind of weird, but because I’m only just starting a social transition, I haven’t quite gotten to the point where I’m brave enough to go into the men’s restroom… and it feels weird as hell to go into a women’s restroom (sometimes I wish schools would have gender neutral bathrooms, some places are catching up though). Anyway, since I got my hair cut I’ve gotten dirty looks for walking into the women’s restroom, and it makes me happy.

I guess that’s strange because why would I be happy about someone not liking me using their restroom?

Because apparently that one person sees me as a guy and in that moment I passed as a guy, at least in my mind, and that’s all that really matters to boost my confidence.

I have been in places with gender neutral bathrooms and had younger kids ask: ‘why is that boy going into the bathroom?’ Of course parents shut it down quickly, but it’s at least something.

I’ve learned that it’s important to take the small things and just wait for the bigger parts to fall in place on their own, so while it is painful to live in an unaccepting house, I do still have small things from strangers that I’ll probably never meet again in my life, and that’s okay.

What Does It Feel Like To Be Misgendered?

It hurts, but it’s not like a sharp pain, it’s more like a dull pain that runs through your whole body, and just kind of makes you numb.

It’s worse when people know how you identify, but make no conscious effort to use your preferred pronouns. I know that it takes time, but it’s important to understand that it hurts for the other person too.

Also, my mom said that my legs look gnarly today because I wore shorts… I don’t shave my legs, and I’ve never shaved my legs before. My ex-boyfriend used to call me Chewbacca and he didn’t care that I didn’t want to shave. My mom just chooses to shame me for having the hair on my legs and pits…

What Does It Feel Like To Be Misgendered?

It hurts, but it’s not like a sharp pain, it’s more like a dull pain that runs through your whole body, and just kind of makes you numb.

It’s worse when people know how you identify, but make no conscious effort to use your preferred pronouns. I know that it takes time, but it’s important to understand that it hurts for the other person too.

Also, my mom said that my legs look gnarly today because I wore shorts… I don’t shave my legs, and I’ve never shaved my legs before. My ex-boyfriend used to call me Chewbacca and he didn’t care that I didn’t want to shave. My mom just chooses to shame me for having the hair on my legs and pits…

I’m Not Lonely, I’m Just Alone (Poem)

This is just off the top of my head because I was thinking about my feelings today, as I do a lot of the time when I’m trying to sort out my depression. Anyway, it’s short, let me know what you think!

There’s a difference between being lonely
And being alone
Lonely happens when you wish you had someone around
Alone happens when you’re surrounded by people
But no one knows
How do you feel?
I feel loved most days
But not for who I am
They love me for who they think they see
I’m alone in my want
I’m alone in my need
Because I need to be myself
But everyone else sees me
The girl who was socially stunted
At a young age by bullies
And there were people that knew
Along the way
But when they left
It set me further away
I feel like an island in the middle of the sea
I’m surrounded by people
But no one sees me
So I am not lonely
I’m just alone

Just Go With It… (Poem/Rant)

This is a kind of poem thing that I wrote a few months ago. I was at Costco with my mom and we were looking at getting new shirts for me to wear for Sunday morning worship, and I realized that I’m really just fed up with a lack of any kind of support. There is mention of self harm, so just be warned.

I hate this sentiment so much because I don’t want to.

I don’t want to wear shirts that are cut low

I don’t want to wear pants that accentuate curves

and show off the fact that I have annoyingly huge hips

I don’t want to have to say ‘oh, yeah, that’s cute’ every time a shirt is held up that I don’t like

But I’m not brave enough to stand up for myself and say enough is enough

A psychologist is not going diagnose me as being transgender

I’m not going to get a signed piece of paper that tells my mom, ‘yep, you definitely have a second son now’

and I don’t know how to say that without coming off as rude or condescending

because I’ve taken the classes

and I don’t need to look online for answers

because I can look back at my own actions.

I can see when I started to watch my guy friends more closely

because the way they stand and the way they sit

and the way they interact is a lot more comfortable for me

than the way the girls would act around each other

and while I can play the part just fine

it just whittles away at my self esteem

It whittles away to the point that I don’t eat for days

I scratch my wrists with pencils just to feel some physical pain

and I do things in a way that you would never know

and I put a smile on my face even though it hurts

to know that you’ll look at me and say ‘oh, she’s happy’

I wear bracelets up to my elbows on both of my arms

the right holds the names of bands that have gotten me through rough nights

the left holds constant reminders that God is bigger than all of my worldly problems

that I matter as a person, not male or female, just as myself, a person

Also, Kellin Quinn says that wrists are meant for bracelets and not scars

so I’m working hard to kick the habit

I always have a lot to say

but I never know how to say it just right

and you always take my silence as agreement

and then trample over my heart that’s already cracked and bruised so many times

and if you could read this I would hope that you would cry

knowing that your words and actions are most of the reason that some days I just want to die

And I know that to you that might sound a bit extreme

but if you saw through my eyes you would know what I mean

I don’t want to just play along or just go

because I want to be myself

I want to be able to let go, for so long I’ve been held back because of this guilt

and now that I’m free I feel like I’m in a sinking boat

Every day it takes on water from all of the negative things you say

but just once I want you to refer to me as your son and not your daughter

and just once I want you to be okay with just one choice that I choose to make

Thank you for reading! Let me know if you have any questions for me and let me know if you want to see more stuff like this.

Trying To Fit A Mold?

My mom says this a lot, one of the things she thinks is that I don’t think I fit “being a girl”, whatever that means. The truth is that I’ve never fit anywhere on the “being a girl” spectrum, but I have a lot of great friends who fit perfectly in their places on the spectrum.

I’ve always been a tomboy, and even that felt wrong. In all honesty, I don’t really see what gender has to do with anything, except that apparently people need to put great emphasis on it instead of building relationships just around people.

My mom brings up my relationships inside the house, specifically mother/daughter and sister/sister, and it makes me feel like shit because this whole time she’s seen it as a relationship between two females, but I’ve never seen it that way. I mean yes, I like to do feminine things sometimes, but that doesn’t mean that I identify with being female, and should therefore be made to sit in that box because someone isn’t comfortable with the idea that I can be a man and still do these feminine things…

So no, I don’t want to fit in a mold based on what society wants. I identify as male because that’s what my body and brain tells me, and it’s not something that I have control over.

Dysphoria Is A Bitch… (A Rant)

Okay, so I already made a post about dysphoria earlier, but I’m having a major bout of depression right now because of it. I’m on my period this week, and today just so happens to be the day that I get to have an existential crisis.

I think the reason that my depressions mostly stem from wondering what the hell I’m doing with my life, is because I feel like I haven’t been living my life. I’ve been living, but I live a life that other people want to see instead of making myself happy.

I’m seeing a therapist for this reason, because I want to be able to find the balance, but with my parents fighting me so much, and having to live under their roof it’s much more stressful to attempt to strike that balance.

It feels like I’ve been living a double life because I leave my house and present as male and most of the time people pick up on it, and then I have to come home and pretend that I’m just “leaving the transgender behind”, as my mom likes to say. How am I supposed to leave behind something that is a part of me just to make my parents happy?

I haven’t been inspired to do anything recently, I write music, I’m writing a book about my first year “out of the closet”, I paint, I draw. I can’t do anything right now, I just want to crawl in a hole for the next year and come out when it’s time to move out for graduate school.

Sorry, this is probably a lot, if you made it all the way through, good for you, you got to see what it’s always like in my head. Anyway, please ask your questions! I will gladly answer anything!